And now for something completely different!

Here's an excerpt from a recent interview I had with Monty Python. They contacted me within minutes of the time it took me to post the phrase "And now for something completely different." Apparently it's copyrighted or even patented. Who knew? But these guys are watching everywhere!

Me: Don't sue me Monty Python! It's an homage!

MP: A what?

Me: An homage.

MP: Well I didn't vote for it.

Me: You don't vote for homages!

MP: Well, how do you get one then?

Me: You do something so incredibly great that people for generations afterwards continually repeat it, ad nauseum.

MP: Oh. Well alright then. I quite like that, except for the nauseum bit. Could we try it again without that part?

Me: I'm afraid it's too late for that! Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more!

MP: So what did we do to deserve this homage?

Me: Ah, The Holy Grail, The Meaning of Life, The Life of Brian....ringing any bells?

MP: Yes I think I remember a Brian somebody. Nice chap.

Me: You remember a Brian somebody.

MP: Yes. As I said, nice chap.

Me: And that's it, is it.

MP: No. I mean, yes.

Me: So back to the homage thing.

MP: Right, right, yes, right. The folks who live without electricity and only travel by horse and buggy. Right, right. Very splendid. Lovely chaps. I think I met one in Westchester last...Thursday was it...yes, Thursday. Bought me a pint, he did.

Me: No, those are the Amish people you're thinking of. And you didn't meet one last Thursday in Westchester because not one has been spotted outside Pennsylvania since Harrison Ford caught a glimpse of Kelly McGillis topless in Witness back in 1985. I think they put the lock-down on the Amish people after that. I'm pretty sure anyway.

MP: So where was Kelly McGillis on Thursday then?

Me: Probably in her restaurant in Key West. And she's not Amish. Look, you're straying too far from the point.

MP: Which is precisely what?

Me: Well, as I've already mentioned, you made 5 of the funniest movies ever, and...

MP: 3, sir.

Me: Oh, right, 3 of the funniest movies ever, and that alone deserves some recognition don't you think? To put it, well, in kind of frenchy-sounding way, an homage.

MP: You're right. It does sound kind of frenchy. In fact, oh you'll love this, this is hilarious, it reminds of the the time I was in...

Me: OK, time's up.

MP: What? But I was just getting interested.

Me: I'm sorry, but your time is up. I'm not allowed to interview you anymore.

MP: So you aren't allowed to type anything I say from this point on?

Me: Sorry, not unless you contract for another interview.

MP: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!

Me: Sorry.

MP: XXXX! XXX! XXX! XXX! XXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!

Me: Sorry.

MP: Oh very well, here's your stinking money. Now where were we?

Me: You've lost me.

MP: What were we just talking about before you interrupted our interview?

Me: I've told you before; I can't repeat anything you say until you pay for another interview.

MP: I just paid you!

Me: No you haven't.

MP: Yes I have!

Me: (humming merrily to myself and completely ignoring MP)

MP: I said I've already paid! You took my money! Aha!

Me: Aha, what exactly?

MP: You've just typed out what I said! I got you!

Me: No you haven't.

MP: Yes I have. If I didn't pay then all you'd type would be XXXXX! Gotcha!

Me: No you haven't. I could have been typing in my spare time.

MP: Oh this is futile....