Monday, June 25, 2007
51 Pics of Sam and a...oh wait, it's only 3 pics of Sam and a sprinkler
BUT, I have 48 more!
He was having fun just getting wet all over.
He was having fun just getting wet all over.
Friday, June 22, 2007
More silliness 'cause I just can't resist it!!!!
1) A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
2) HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked ... with beer.
3) Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"
4) A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
2) HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked ... with beer.
3) Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"
4) A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Why am I the only enjoying all this hilarity I asks ya?
Q) Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A) They won't stop to ask directions.
I don't hear any laughter. Hey, that was clever! C'mon!
Q) How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
A) He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
Hey, now that is REALLY clever. What? No science buffs out there? Am I the only one who reads this stuff? Oh, yeah, I am. I forgot.
OK, enough torture for now. So finally...
A teacher asks her students if they're Cowboys fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Sam. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Redskins."
"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Redskins fans, so I'm a Redskins fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Sam. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Cowboys fan!"
A) They won't stop to ask directions.
I don't hear any laughter. Hey, that was clever! C'mon!
Q) How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
A) He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
Hey, now that is REALLY clever. What? No science buffs out there? Am I the only one who reads this stuff? Oh, yeah, I am. I forgot.
OK, enough torture for now. So finally...
A teacher asks her students if they're Cowboys fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Sam. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Redskins."
"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Redskins fans, so I'm a Redskins fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Sam. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Cowboys fan!"
Sunday, June 17, 2007
So I'm a Dad and all, and well, here's some Dad frolicking
You can click here to check out the full size version of all of these pics.
Oh, and by the way, as the DAD WITH THE CAMERA, I'm not actually IN ANY OF THE FATHER'S DAY PICTURES.
I'M NOT YELLING. SAM PUT PEANUT BUTTER IN MY KEYBOARD AND THE SHIFT IS STUCK.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
The Godfather
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Friday, June 08, 2007
Some fun jokes for a Friday afternoon!
#1) On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whiskey you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whiskey you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
#2) A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whiskey you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
#2) A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."
Saturday, June 02, 2007
New "Eastern Shore" Barbie's
Mattel recently announced the release of several limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Eastern Shore market:
"West Nithsdale Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at the Tyson's Corner Galleria. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade and Coach Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a brand new 7,500 square foot McMansion. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
"Ocean Pines Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Her three children (all under the age of 5), Nextel cell phone, and Bartender Ken are all sold separately.
"Pocomoke Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a Glock 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, nunchucks, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills), unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
"St. Michaels Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2, and a perfectly restored 200 year old waterfront farmhouse. Also includes her own Starbucks cup, credit cards, and country club membership. Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper are available separately but you won't be able to afford any of them.
"Accomac Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Faded Glory jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt, and tattoo. She has a six-pack of Schlitz and a box set of Toby Keith CD's. She can spit over 5 feet and kicks Mullet-Haired Ken's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a free Confederate flag bumper sticker.
"Ocean City Barbie"
This salon-tanned Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks apple martinis while entertaining friends. She works as a waitress at Seacrets, dates surfers or musicians, and gets her Percocets in five gallon buckets.
"Willards Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beergut Ken away from Ocean City Barbie's condo. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Mobile home is rented on a monthly basis.
"Rehobeth Beach Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. Rehobeth Beach Barbie is available only in sets of two, and they do not want or need a Ken doll. A rainbow flag bumper sticker is free with the optional Subaru wagon or Prius.
"Church Street Barbie"
This Barbie is 15 years old. Stroller is included with premature crack baby. Optional accessories include a GED and welfare card. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were formerly available, but are now very difficult to find since the arrival of the baby.
"Easton Barbie"
She believes she's perfect in every way. We don't know where Hunter Ken is because he's always out, well, a-huntin'.
"West Nithsdale Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at the Tyson's Corner Galleria. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade and Coach Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a brand new 7,500 square foot McMansion. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
"Ocean Pines Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Her three children (all under the age of 5), Nextel cell phone, and Bartender Ken are all sold separately.
"Pocomoke Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a Glock 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, nunchucks, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills), unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
"St. Michaels Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2, and a perfectly restored 200 year old waterfront farmhouse. Also includes her own Starbucks cup, credit cards, and country club membership. Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper are available separately but you won't be able to afford any of them.
"Accomac Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Faded Glory jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt, and tattoo. She has a six-pack of Schlitz and a box set of Toby Keith CD's. She can spit over 5 feet and kicks Mullet-Haired Ken's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a free Confederate flag bumper sticker.
"Ocean City Barbie"
This salon-tanned Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks apple martinis while entertaining friends. She works as a waitress at Seacrets, dates surfers or musicians, and gets her Percocets in five gallon buckets.
"Willards Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beergut Ken away from Ocean City Barbie's condo. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Mobile home is rented on a monthly basis.
"Rehobeth Beach Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. Rehobeth Beach Barbie is available only in sets of two, and they do not want or need a Ken doll. A rainbow flag bumper sticker is free with the optional Subaru wagon or Prius.
"Church Street Barbie"
This Barbie is 15 years old. Stroller is included with premature crack baby. Optional accessories include a GED and welfare card. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were formerly available, but are now very difficult to find since the arrival of the baby.
"Easton Barbie"
She believes she's perfect in every way. We don't know where Hunter Ken is because he's always out, well, a-huntin'.
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