What's this? What's this?: New "Eastern Shore" Barbie's

Mattel recently announced the release of several limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Eastern Shore market:

"West Nithsdale Barbie"

This princess Barbie is sold only at the Tyson's Corner Galleria. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade and Coach Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a brand new 7,500 square foot McMansion. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Ocean Pines Barbie"

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Her three children (all under the age of 5), Nextel cell phone, and Bartender Ken are all sold separately.

"Pocomoke Barbie"

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a Glock 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, nunchucks, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills), unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

"St. Michaels Barbie"

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2, and a perfectly restored 200 year old waterfront farmhouse. Also includes her own Starbucks cup, credit cards, and country club membership. Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper are available separately but you won't be able to afford any of them.

"Accomac Barbie"

This pale model comes dressed in her own Faded Glory jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt, and tattoo. She has a six-pack of Schlitz and a box set of Toby Keith CD's. She can spit over 5 feet and kicks Mullet-Haired Ken's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a free Confederate flag bumper sticker.

"Ocean City Barbie"

This salon-tanned Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks apple martinis while entertaining friends. She works as a waitress at Seacrets, dates surfers or musicians, and gets her Percocets in five gallon buckets.

"Willards Barbie"

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beergut Ken away from Ocean City Barbie's condo. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Mobile home is rented on a monthly basis.

"Rehobeth Beach Barbie"

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. Rehobeth Beach Barbie is available only in sets of two, and they do not want or need a Ken doll. A rainbow flag bumper sticker is free with the optional Subaru wagon or Prius.

"Church Street Barbie"

This Barbie is 15 years old. Stroller is included with premature crack baby. Optional accessories include a GED and welfare card. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were formerly available, but are now very difficult to find since the arrival of the baby.